My days of confusion started when my professor asked us to write an “authentic reflection” with regards to the field trip we just had around Central and Sheung Wan. I was stumped. I was prepared to do a write-up, but for it to be authentic?
My mind started going everywhere, and it remained that way for days. I started questioning myself endlessly, jolting up in the middle of the night to have new questions slap me in the face and keeping me awake. I texted some of my friends with weird questions, and they were telling me: “Whoa there. You are definitely overthinking it.” But being authentic, being genuine… that isn’t an easy question to answer.
Sitting in the same class today while listening to my professor talk about Pearl S. Buck’s The Good Earth and expanding on all the ideas in it and relating it to anything that crosses her mind… I was stunned. My immediate thought was, “Wow. Her thoughts and her ideas are so big and expansive that they cannot be contained.” That was when I saw a spark in her. And in her calm yet engaging tone, it’s pretty obvious to anyone listening that her passion is there.
The “spark” reminds me of a conversation in He’s Just Not That Into You, a movie I decided to randomly watch yesterday. In that dialogue, Alex is showing Gigi the dynamics of a couple’s interaction.
Gigi: You need a spark.
Alex: No, the “spark” thing is s**t.
Gigi: Enlighten me.
Alex then goes on to explain that the spark is something fictitious guys made up for girls to feed on because they love drama. BESIDESTHEPOINT! But taking it out of context and just focusing on spark itself… I do think that sparks exist, and for some reason I am having trouble locating mine.
I used to feed off my own spark—that’s where all my motivation comes from. My willingness to do everything came from “passion” and “random outbursts of energy” (Sounds familiar? That’s my blog tagline).
I only realized that I have trouble locating it now when I had to do that authentic reflection paper. These things used to be very easy. I used to reflect upon myself regularly to see how to get to what I want. I was so used to being in touch with my inner self and was very accustomed to following what I feel was my spark, I had no idea what it feels like to be far away from it.
Several bad experiences and numerous attempts to fit in later, I find it very hard to define who I am. Like tetris, you fit in and you disappear. I can feel myself disappearing slowly.
The assignment the professor gave probably did not mean for me to reach this deep into myself (and probably not drifting this far away from the field trip in question either), but the word “authentic” just really struck me. I searched my blog for some sort of “guidance” and realized that I haven’t written anything in a really long time. I’ve also been keeping a daily journal, but it’s very different from my blog posts. I wanted my journal to be for my more private thoughts, but as I’m flipping through the pages, I’m just reading down my versions of portrayals of events instead of descriptions of what’s inside my head or my feelings.
So much for authenticity, huh?
I really need to get back in touch with my inner self again. Fast. I feel like I’m slipping away, so I have to be careful. It’s a slippery slope!
Blueaholic is listening to: Troye Sivan feat. Alessia Cara – WILD
(Two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds)